©2011 by Jack Thomas
One thing I need to make clear right up front is that I’m talking primarily to you men out there. You ladies are welcome to listen in, of course, but you might think some of the things I have to say are not “politically correct.” Truth usually isn’t. In this same blog, you’ll find an article written especially for you ladies that tells you how to make your man feel loved and appreciated. Just go to the home page and click on “How to make your man feel loved and appreciated.”
The “how to man feel loved” article really is a necessary companion to this one. Why? Because the sad and simple fact is, if a man does not feel loved, he’s not going to be inspired to work at making his lady feel loved. Duh? Trying to have a good love relationship when only one partner is both skillful and giving is like trying to clap with one hand. There’s just no energy there. So, after you read this article and get committed to practicing what it preaches, be sure to encourage your significant other to read the article that tells her how to properly love her man.
Another thing I need for you men to understand and accept is that, like Forest Gump, you don’t have to be a smart man to know what love is. And knowing what love is constitutes the first step toward making you an expert lover. The next step is to know how to show love to your woman. I’m going to tell you how to do that, too. I know how a woman wants to be loved because I’ve asked women what they want and they’ve told me. It took me about 50 years to figure it all out but, if you good ol’ boys will listen to me, you’ll get a shortcut to knowing the secrets. And I guarantee you that the rewards will be well worth the trouble. Think good loving!
Let’s take first things first now. What is love anyhow? Poets and philosophers have been trying to figure that out for centuries, but it’s not really all that hard if you break it down into its basic elements. In the Psychoharmonics® system for understanding human behavior, you learn that the ultimate goal that we’re all trying to achieve 24/7 is to be considered worthy by self and others. We want to feel like a 10, and we want all of the important people in our lives to feel that same way about us. And we want these important people to let us know they think we’re a 10. That’s the whipped cream and cherry on top of all goals for us social animals. Why? Because in earlier days, and still very much so today, the 10-people, as with our brother wolf in the wild, get more and better things than the rest of the pack. That’s especially true of sex. You see that theory confirmed every day in the news and in the entertainment media. Charlie in the “Two and a Half Men” TV series got all the hot chicks he wanted while his brother, Alan, got little more than the leftovers.
Men have more in common with the wolf than just being a pack animal. It’s a sad but simple fact that all men are dogs, but that’s the way nature made us. And the main method we dogs have to affirm that we are 10s is to have our way with the ladies. The more ladies we have our way with, the worthier we feel. So, for one lady to hold onto us exclusively “till death do us part,” that lady has to take the place of the huge harem that we have an innate need to possess, which is no small task for any one woman. Look at all the celebrity hotties in the news who couldn’t hold onto their man.
That said, then, how would you go about loving a woman, that is, making a woman feel loved? The big mistake that the typical man makes on that note, of course, is he assumes that his lady likes what he likes. Listen closely, guys: your lady doesn’t have the same value system that you have by which she judges herself and others. And to complicate your life even more, no two women have exactly the same value system. Value systems are like fingerprints. They are ALL different.
With that fact in mind, if you’re still following me here, you ought to be guessing now that the only way to make your dimpled darling feel loved and appreciated is for you to figure out what is in her unique value system. And how do you do that? You watch her. You study her in the same way that you’d study the habits of a wild animal that you were trying to catch – or one that was trying to catch you. (Hey, women are hunters, too!) You observe what she likes and doesn’t like – where she goes and doesn’t go. You ask her questions. You listen to her. (That, in itself, would make you almost unique among the male gender.) Who does she admire? Who does she detest? Who is her favorite celebrity? Who is that woman or man she can’t stand? What’s on the TV when she gets up and walks out? Who’s on the TV when she shushes you? Study her. Take notes.
I can ask a person what famous personality, real or imaginary, living or dead, they most admire, and then which one they most detest, and with that information I then can usually come up with a pretty good profile of his or her value system. I get in trouble with that sometimes nowadays because some of these young folks idolize people I’ve never heard of. If, however, a lady nearer my age says she just loves Katherine Hepburn and detests Nancy Pelosi, I know right off that she has excellent taste and, of course, very likely is a Republican. More than that, I know that she values intelligence, independence, integrity, and genuineness. To make your life a little easier, most women want to be considered attractive, intelligent, moral, talented, etc.
With that bit of information, if I want to love my woman with those latter items in her value system and make her feel like a 10, then I sincerely do and say things that make her feel pretty, intelligent, independent, wholesome and talented. If I want to make her feel like a zero, then I do and say things to make her feel ugly, stupid, immoral, and a klutz. That is so simple, and yet 99% of the men in the world don’t get it. A lot of men enter a romantic relationship with a woman with the idea of “me Tarzan, you Jane,” and that gets them into trouble with most of today’s ladies. With those labels in place, Bubba expects his “Jane” to take care of all the cooking, house cleaning, and child raising, even if she has an outside job, while he comes home, gets his six-pack out of the fridge, and watches football all evening until he falls asleep on the couch. He also expects Jane to dispense sex on demand like a coffee machine. That might have worked with some women in pre-1960s days, but the majority of 21st Century women would kick Bubba out on the street and change the locks.
Did anybody see the movie “Burning Bed” with Farah Fawcett in the starring role? Her husband in the movie was a prime example of one of those good ol’ boys who didn’t get it at all. She was trying to go to school to learn to be a beautician. Her good-for-nothing man swore he loved her more than anything in the world, but he tore up her books, burned them, and beat her to a pulp. To top it off, he shot her puppy. That’s when, the next time he got drunk and passed out in his bed, she anointed the room with several gallons of premium gasoline and struck a match to it. I don’t think she felt loved, do you? When a woman feels loved, she might still burn his dinner once in a while as a passive-aggressive gesture to protest a slight, but she doesn’t turn her man into a crispy critter.
That movie demonstrates another serious mistake that most men make – they fail to keep pace with their lady. Most women nowadays are in a constant state of evolvement. They’re on the move. They’re reaching out for new challenges and adventures. The happy-to-stay-at-home housewives like your grandmother and great-grandmother are about as hard to find in the good ol’ USA nowadays as a whole cashew in a can of cheap mixed nuts. Most women now model more after Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey than they do Ma Kettle or Jim Anderson’s wife, Margaret, in the vintage “Father Knows Best” TV series.
So, what to do? To start with, when your lady picks up a new interest, if you want to make her feel loved, at least make an effort to get interested in it, too. That doesn’t mean you have to take up quilting, crocheting, or Yoga, but you could at least learn to understand what she’s talking about when she discusses her hobby. If she wants to learn how to build bird houses, restore a hotrod, or construct her own gardening shack, that’s a great opportunity for you to strut your stuff and lovingly show her how to safely use the tools. Whether she loves tracing ancestors or studying the planets, get in harness with her. That done, more than likely you’ll find she also is more willing to share your interests – unless, of course, all you want to do is grapple for oversized catfish in the Mississippi.
That’s what friends do for one another, and if your lover isn’t also your best friend, then you’re exploiting the lady. Your lady should be somebody you can share your most intimate fears and aspirations with, and who can do the same with you without fear of condemnation or rejection – then or years later.
One generic component of every person’s value system is respect. All of us, both men and women, want to be respected as human beings. That’s what being regarded as a 10 is. That means we have a right to set our own goals, to think our own thoughts, to have our own opinions, and, in short, to be our true selves. When somebody else, whether it’s a nation’s dictator or a controlling mate tries to make us in their own image, we don’t feel loved. We let God get by with that, but that’s where it was meant to end. After all, just being God-like is a pretty nice way to be.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has an entertaining and very insightful talk on YouTube that points out that men are more motivated to seek respect from the world while women are more motivated to seek love. See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=388ZduTXiws In reality, these two entities are more than kissing cousins. Respect is an integral part of love, and love is an integral part of respect. In essence, each requires us to view the object of our attention with a mindset of warm personal regard.
Although there are exceptions to the rule, another very important component in most women’s value system is security. They want to feel safe with their man – safe from physical or emotional harm from everybody and everything in her environment – and especially safe from any harm by him. He is supposed to be her ever-dependable knight in shining armor who will give his special love to her, and only to her, and lay down his life, if necessary, to protect her. If you ever physically abuse your woman, she will never forget it and she’ll never have the same positive label for you again. You instantly go from “knight in shining armor” to “shithead I have to watch like a hawk.”
Now, when you guys are out with your lady, or even sitting at home watching television, and you start drooling over some firm-bodied piece of eye candy that happens to cross your trail, you can expect to lose a lot of points with that little insensitive maneuver. If your lady is pretty secure about her own looks, she might not mind it if a good-looking babe catches your eye for a second; that just tells her you’re alive and all parts of you are well and in working order. If, however, your look is too lingering, and you even start raving about how great she looks or, if you’re really stupid, try to get the vamp’s attention, you’re not loving your lady, you’re hating her. And she knows it. What were you thinking? So, what do you do at those tempting times? Suck it up and put your arm around that honey at your side. Smile at her and give her shoulder a little pinch. And look forward to some good times when you get home.
On the subject of a good time, you good ol’ boys need to realize that a woman also likes to feel that she is the owner of her own body. She wants to give herself to a man out of love, and not out of obligation. During those times when, for whatever reason, she is not ready for a roll in the hay, that’s the time for you clodhoppers to be giving and forgiving. For much of her adult life, she has at least one of those times every month, and that’s definitely not the time for you to pout or cuss and storm out of the house because you’re feeling frisky and she’s not. If you want to show her you love her, let her stretch out in your favorite chair. Make her a cup of hot chocolate. Take some lotion, rub your hands together to warm it, and massage her feet with it until her eyes close with joy. Sit or lie down with her and just hold her in your arms. Don’t say anything. Don’t demand anything. Just be there, letting your spirit communicate with her spirit to say, “I love you just because you’re you.”
And, guys, you really need to listen to me on this: Don’t ever demand that your honey do anything in bed or on the kitchen table or wherever that she doesn’t really want to do. If she’s crazy about you, she might give in to some kinky act that you picked up from a porn site, but I guarantee you it won’t make her feel loved. Your best bet is to let her initiate anything beyond the manner of the missionaries. If there’s something else you really want to try, talk about it. “Honey, how do you feel about using whipped cream and…?” Who knows, you might get lucky.
When it comes to the mechanics of making love, you’d do well to remember that foreplay starts when you roll over in the bed and kiss your partner “good morning.” and doesn’t end until you kiss her “goodnight,” whether you’ve done the deed that day or not. If you spend the day doing your job of making her feel like a 10, the physical coupling will be much more spontaneous and pleasurable for both of you when that moment comes. Keep in mind that it’s your job to give her pleasure. If your only goal is to reach a climax yourself and then go to sleep, you are not going to have a happy partner. You’d do well to attend to her needs first and let her know you enjoy doing what it takes to give her that ultimate satisfaction. In my younger days, I had the pleasure of being intimate with quite a few beautiful women. Not a one of them ever left my bed without enjoying at least one, if not multiple, climaxes. A few who had been married and/or sexually active for some years enjoyed their first climax with me. And it was a truly joyful event for them because some were not sure it was even possible. I say that not to boast, but to make the point that, with loving skill, I believe any woman who still has all of her equipment, coupled with a man who is a skillful lover, can be blessed with at least one memorable climax every time she makes love.
Not all women are alike, of course. They range from one end of the scale to the other on all sexual functions such as desire, ability to lubricate, stimulation required for an orgasm, etc. Some women produce little or no lubrication while others overflow. Some are happy with once a week sex while others prefer to enjoy it once or more daily. Some women can reach an orgasm with little more than a touch from a man who excites her while others require prolonged direct stimulation of the G-spot. If you don’t know what the G-spot is, check it out on the Web and become an expert on the subject. You can’t be an adequate lover without knowing how to manipulate that little hotspot, both genitally and digitally, if not orally. For a quick overview, see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJzC9146RVo
If a woman is convinced she cannot reach an orgasm or is bored with her partner, she might fake an orgasm just to bring an end to the ordeal. A skillful lover will not be fooled. Of course, a skillful lover’s partner will not have to fake pleasure. If you suspect your woman is faking it, just ask her. Explain that you want to help her achieve the real thing and encourage her to talk about what she needs to make it happen. When, during my younger days, I spent a year in Montana, a lady there expressed her complaint about the local crop of cowboys. “They think if they stay in the saddle eight seconds they ought to get some kind of damn prize.” Even though I didn’t wear shit-kicker boots, I was very popular there.
It should not be necessary to mention the importance of good hygiene, but some guys just don’t seem to get it. While the pheromones contained in good clean sweat can serve to stimulate a woman’s desire, repulsive body odor usually is a turnoff. A good soapy bath with special attention to those special parts is one of the essential ways of showing your woman that you care and that you respect her. Go easy on the cologne. That also can be a turnoff. Watch what you eat and make sure you floss and brush your teeth before you offer your lips and tongue to your woman. Garlic and onions are obvious bad choices for pre-sex snacks, but yesterday’s pizza left decaying between your teeth also is not a very effective aphrodisiac. Infected sinuses also can give off a very unpleasant odor to the sensitive nose. Irrigation with a mild saline solution can provide a temporary fix for that problem. Go to the Internet to get instructions on how to perform that function with or without a neti pot. Again, if in doubt, ask: “How’s my breath, honey?” If you have the kind of trusting, mutually supportive relationship that you should have, she’ll be gently truthful with you. On the same note, if something about her body is affecting you negatively, be lovingly honest with her about it. If she really cares about you, she’ll want to know if something’s not right. Finally on that subject, clean, manicured fingernails and toenails also provide a nice extra touch to the hygiene package.
Take your time. Talk to her. Experiment. Really listen to her. Play her like a fine violin; don’t pluck her like an out-of-tune banjo. Find out what she likes and what she doesn’t like. Practice delaying your own climax. Just showing her that you care is half the battle. The net result not only will be better sex for both of you, but it also will strengthen the bond of your love. Nothing does a better job of bonding spirits than good, considerate, robust sex that leaves both partners feeling both loved and loving.
Although I’m encouraging you to learn and respond to your partner’s desires, you need to get this straight, men: I’m not talking about you becoming a doormat. The old movie, “The Blue Angel,” in which a college professor in old Germany made a fool of himself over a cabaret singer provides a good illustration of how that strategy doesn’t work out. For your lady to value being loved by you, she has to have a pretty high opinion of you, too. Unless she considers you a 10 most of the time, then you don’t have the means to make her feel like a 10. Unless she’s been totally brainwashed by women who hate men, for whatever reason, some of them valid, she wants you to assume your natural role as the alpha male in the family. That doesn’t entitle you to be a bully. But you do have to be respectable and let it be known that you respect yourself. Figure out what your lady needs in a man and, insofar as possible without demeaning yourself, be that man. For the good of the relationship, both partners need to know that there’s a line over which the other does not cross without suffering dire consequences. Where that line is drawn is a matter of personal values and perspective; but if there is no line, there is no respect and, ultimately, there is no loving relationship. You might want to read that line again.
Unless your lady is pretty low on the social totem pole, as explained in detail above, it is very likely that she values an attractive package. That means she wants you to look good and smell good, with a clean body, clean hair, clean teeth, and clean clothes that fit you and are appropriate for the occasion. Of course, you should have learned that in kindergarten, but few little boys seem to have been present the day that lesson was taught.
Now, your lady doesn’t expect you to stay young forever, but she does want you to do the best you can with what nature has given you. That means you need to make a little sacrifice and stick to a good diet and exercise program to keep your body and all of your body parts functioning. Disease and disability don’t just happen. They are caused by what you do with and to your body. In most cases, if you’re bald, obese, have more wrinkles than a raisin, and the only thing you can get up in bed is your blood pressure, it’s because you’ve chosen a lifestyle that produced that unnatural body. Change your lifestyle and, if you’re not too far gone, you’ll change your body for the better.
There was a popular song by Kitty Kallen that was a #1 hit in 1954 called “Little Things Mean a Lot” that had this to say:
Blow me a kiss from across the room Say I look nice when I’m not Touch my hair as you pass my chair Little things mean a lot Give me your arm as we cross the street Call me at six on the dot A line a day when you’re far away Little things mean a lot Don’t have to buy me diamonds or pearls Champagne, sables, and such I never cared much for diamonds and pearls ’cause honestly, honey, they just cost money Give me a hand when I’ve lost the way Give me your shoulder to cry on Whether the day is bright or gray Give me your heart to rely on Send me the warmth of a secret smile To show me you haven’t forgot For now and forever, that’s always and ever Honey, little things mean a lot
The man and woman who joined talents to write that song in 1953 (Edith Lindeman and Karl Stutz) knew how a woman should be loved. Unless you pay attention to the little things, then the big things you do won’t amount to a hill o’ beans. Give your woman a diamond bracelet one day and then call her a stupid bitch the next day more than once and you can be sure one day all you’ll have left of her is a note and alimony payments.
So, that’s it, guys. If you want a woman who will be as faithful as the sunrise for as long as you live, and one who is waiting at the front door with a smile, a passionate kiss, and promises of more to come when you get home, then take the time to know your lady – really know her. What makes her feel like a 10? What makes her feel like a zero? Unless you’re dumber than dirt, it won’t take you long to figure that out.
Once you figure it out, use what you’ve learned and sincerely apply it every time you have an interaction with your lady – even when you’re just thinking about her; that’s your best practice time. If you’re a fisherman, you know that you catch fish by trying different methods and baits until you get a strike. You do the same thing with your lady – or any other person you want to make feel loved. You figure out what you think will work. Then you give it your best shot and, if it seems to make her feel like a 10, then you keep doing it as long as it keeps working. That’s your main job, hoss – to make your lady feel like a 10, even on her bad days — no, especially on her bad days!
Keep in mind, though, that women, like all the rest of us, change over time. Feeling beautiful and sexy might have the highest priority during an earlier period in her life, but then feeling intelligent and independent might push its way to the top as youthful assets head south. Don’t ever assume that you know her just because you knew her yesterday. Every day that she wakes up, she’s a brand new woman. And for you to be effective as her lover, you’ve got to be a new man. I know that’s a hard row to hoe, Bubba, but that’s just the way the Good Lord made ‘em. So, learn to live with it, and hang in there. When you do it right, the rewards are more than worth the effort.
A big mistake that both men and women make is they fail to give their honey a daily report card. When your honey does something that really pleases you and makes you feel like a 10, give her a star to put on her bulletin board. And encourage her to do the same with you. If she does something that irks you and makes you feel like less than a 10, gently and lovingly share that with her, too. You can’t be a good lover if you’re not being well loved. Encourage her to read the other article on this site that tells her how to make you feel loved. As with cutting a log with an old crosscut saw, it takes both partners doing their share of pushing and pulling to get the job done.
To leave this thesis on a humorous note, there’s a story about a guy in California who was walking along the beach one day and stubbed his toe on a partially buried bottle. When he dug it out and popped the cork, a genie appeared and immediately expressed his gratitude for being freed after thousands of years of imprisonment in the bottle. Naturally, he offered his rescuer a wish. “Well,” the man joyfully replied, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I get seasick on boats and I’m afraid to fly. So, I’d like for you to build me a bridge from here to Honolulu so I can drive over there whenever I want to.”
The genie immediately protested, pointing out how difficult it would be to build a bridge across a deep ocean with strong currents and frequent storms, etc. “Isn’t there something else I could do for you? Anything else!”
“Okay,” the guy replied. “How about giving me the wisdom to understand women?”
The genie thought about that for a few seconds and then replied, “Do you want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
For a more detailed explanation of the Psychoharmonics® system for loving others while you also stay free of debilitating and energy-wasting stress, see the page on this website entitled “How to eliminate stress.”
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